As my first born approaches his 5th birthday. I’ve been reflecting on his birth and the remarkable change he has made in my life. I decided to write this open letter to thank him for these past few years.
I remember like yesterday the day I found out I was expecting. Your father and I were preparing for our first trip to Jamaica to celebrate our upcoming year anniversary and as I looked at the calendar I realized that I missed my cycle. I frantically sent your dad to the nearest drugstore to purchase a pregnancy test. After 6 tests (yes 6) I finally accepted the fact that I was pregnant. I was distraught. It wasn’t because I didn’t want you but I was not ready. I wasn’t ready to be responsible for a little life. I was only 21 and still adjusting to being a wife. We were still figuring out life on our own as adults. I knew that being a mom was a great responsibility and I was just not ready. We were in a financial crisis so we knew we couldn’t afford to have child right now. We faced so many struggles marrying so young and to have a child before we were ready just had me so uneasy. I called your Me-maw and she calmed me down. She assured me that we would be okay but I still wasn’t sure. I said a prayer and hoped for the best. While in Jamaica your dad and I bought a onesie for you. It was the first thing we bought for you. Holding that onesie and imagining you in it made me smile. I was really going to have a BABY!
One day your dad and I were having a rough day. I was upset and driving to work and I felt your movement for the first time. It was the most amazing thing, I cried like a baby. It was so comforting. It was like you knew I was down and that was your way of saying it’s going to be okay. From that moment on I would sit sometimes for hours rubbing my belly and feeling your movements. We connected long before I first saw you.
The pregnancy was relatively easy, we ate pancakes with bacon and eggs for dinner every night for two months. (That explains your obsession with bacon). I gained more weight than I would like to admit. I was so emotional all the time and your dad was working three jobs to prepare for you and all the things you would need. I was still unsure about my capabilities as a mom, I still wasn’t ready for you but you were coming anyway. I couldn’t stop my mind from racing……. What if I failed as a parent? What if I don’t know what to do? What if? What if? What if?
Finally on February 05, 2010 you made your grand entrance…….with the loudest cry I had ever heard. You were PERFECT! We locked eyes for the first time and in that moment I forgot what life was like without you. Then I felt the most amazing feeling…….pure, unconditional, no limits, LOVE! I had never been in love like that before. I love your father with all of me but with you it was different. I instantly felt the need to always protect you, guide you, and make sure you never wanted for anything. In that split second I went from being a girl to a woman. You instantly made me grow up.
Over the next few months so much of our lives changed. We watched you grow but we also watched ourselves grow. We became more mindful of every decision we made. We became more responsible and mature. Your father went from being a young guy to an ambitious leader of our home. I went from being a girl to a woman with goals. It was all because of you!!!! Instead of us teaching you about life, you taught us. We are seeing the world through your eyes and I love the view!
Watching you grow and become the boy you are has been the best journey of my life. Your curiosity about the world, your eagerness to learn new things, your remarkable wit, and your love for life are just a few things that make you who you are. As you embark on your fifth birthday I just want you to know today and everyday of your life that you are one of my greatest accomplishments. Being your mom is one of my greatest titles!
So Ode to Evan, my wonderful son
Our journey together has been an amazing one.
The type of child you are,
I know will always reach for the stars
I pray that you will see all your dreams come true
Just know my dreams aren’t possible without you.
Happy 5th Birthday Evan!!!!
I love you forever,